Mental Illness

Where Have I Been This Time?

Hello Blog, I am back. It’s been a while, I know, and I am really trying to stop leaving you alone for so long.

This past month or so has been a little hectic for me. Hectic, stressful, and busy.

Having a mental illness makes staying consistent very difficult, which makes running a business or blog very difficult, but not impossible. I had a slight depressive episode which threw me off from my usual rhythm, and it was hard to get back into it when I started to feel better. I have a blog post in drafts right now that is about to come up, and it’s been ready for a while, but the act of turning on my computer and hitting publish seemed like too much whenever I would think about it.

I was still continuing to write. Whenever I commute to the Toronto Humane Society, I would spend my time on the subway typing up posts on my phone in a notes app. I had 3 almost done posts that just needed to be copied over to the computer for me to edit and make changes to. Unfortunately, copying those over was another tiny task that was feeling impossible at the time.

Then my phone began to act up. At first, my Google Assistant didn’t seem to listen to me, then my Voice-to-Text stopped working. Then phone calls stopped working. Someone would call me, I would answer, and the call would connect, but I couldn’t hear them and they couldn’t hear me. And then my phone began to freeze all the time. And one time just turned off and wouldn’t turn back on at all despite a 49% battery life just before. This happened during the longest commute home ever! I missed 2 buses that were driving one behind the other, and the next one didn’t come for about 20 minutes. Then the traffic we were stuck in was unbelievable. I would have been able to tolerate this if my phone was working. I could have typed up a blog post or played a game. I absolutely hate wasting time, and that felt like the biggest waste of my time ever!

My husband and I decided to try a factory reset to fix the problem. We made sure all my photos were backed up and did the reset. Right away we tested, and the phone calls worked! I began re-installing all of my apps from my library of apps in the google store. Including my notes app. The following morning, my boss called me. I answered and the same problem happened again. So the factory reset didn’t fix a thing! That’s annoying.

But then I made the worst discovery. While a lot of things with my apps were saved because of my google account, my notes app wasn’t. I opened the app, and, nothing. Completely empty. Three almost finished blog posts and many many other notes were gone. My heart sunk, I couldn’t believe it. I was in denial, frantically trying to figure out how to restore them. When I finally began to realize that there was no way to get them back, I broke down. I felt like the universe was working against me. I felt like I suffered a very tragic loss. The loss of words I typed while in the heat of a moment that I could never duplicate, the loss of the hours I spent typing everything, the loss of the time I will have to take if I decide to re-write them. I don’t know if I want to re-write them because they wouldn’t be as well written as the first time, but they are also topics I do want to talk about. So conflicted.

The day this happened, I felt lower than I had in a very long time. I felt like giving up on my business, and myself because what is the point if the universe is just going to tear me down every time I start doing well. Then I began to feel worse because the day this all happened, was my very rare full day at home of the week. This is the day I plan to get a lot done. I was going to finish and publish my post in drafts, and copy over my other posts and schedule them into the blog. I was going to do so much, but instead, I spent the day feeling sorry for myself and thinking about giving up on life. More time wasted.

I know it’s a minor problem in the grand scheme of things, and many people have much worse problems, but reminding myself that just makes me feel worse about how upset I am. But we all need to be more kind to ourselves when we are upset about “small” things. Telling ourselves or others that you/they have no right to be upset about something because others have it worse doesn’t actually do any good, and just makes you or the person you are speaking to feel worse.

I am still in disbelief about this, and still very upset, but I pulled myself out of that dark cloud and I am trying to rebuild. I still don’t know if I will re-do the posts I lost. I don’t know how or when I am going to fully get over this, but I am working at it.

How do you handle setbacks in your business or life?

 

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *